What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

The only rule us 5 kids had .

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

How would you define love?

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

Why aren't F1 cars popular on the street?

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

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And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

I said to her

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

How do you choose sunscreen for oily skin?

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

What was your experience when trying GHB?

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

We were not on the streets..

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

How do you raise well-behaved children?

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

He knew the spot.

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

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And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

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I know ,a lot about trauma.

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

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Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

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That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

One cannot live in the past .

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

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Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

My family never makes their pension either.

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

My life is so biszare .

I was scared of men, in general

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

I don,t even have a pension.

So whats the point in blame.

But, we were locked up after school.

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

Ive learnt so much.

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

Where the ultimate outsiders.

On the 31st of Jan this month .

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

Why did i forgive my father ?

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

She found it foreign!.

I never cut or harmed myself..

I did it because my mum asked me too!

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

My mum and dad in the seventies!

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

But ive been too sick for many years..

She wouldn,t have been !

And i lived it daily.

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

This is soul school!.

Especially a lifetime of it.

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

He was dying to do it , i knew.

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

We all went to grammer schools

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

Im dying but, im not bitter.

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

I have no regrets .

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

And who doesn’t know suffering?

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

So, i spoilt her more .

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

I will be 64.

I was very sick at this time too.

I could never make a relationship work though!

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

All the time i was locked up.

I waited trembling.

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

I think the readers, may guess!

She was in good health!

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

Was to survive, this bastard.

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

What did i know ?

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

Im still living with it.

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

Who then, do I blame.?

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

As i do to all so called friends.?

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

Put me off passion for life!!

When she asked me how she looked .

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

He resisted the act ,that day.

It was going to be , some day.

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

I couldn’t, believe it.

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

(And it was in our own minds.)

Would this be the day?

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

But it wasn’t much.

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

I was seconnd youngest,

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

She married twice! .

She loved him until the end.

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

This is how, and why children get BPD.

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

Comes on , in middle age.

I had hoped to write a book about this .

I write beautiful poetry .

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

They are buried together, in the same grave..

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

I was 9 years of age.